⚓ RNLI Issues Final Warning:
"Float Off on a Flag One More Time and You’re on Your Own"
By Political Satirical
Planet Satire News | No Buoyancy Aids for Bigotry
🔴 RNLI TO BRITISH PUBLIC: STOP ABUSING US OR LEARN TO SWIM TO FRANCE YOURSELVES
In a scathing and long-overdue statement issued this morning from Lifeboat HQ, the Royal National Lifeboat Institution (RNLI) confirmed it is "reviewing policy" regarding the continual rescue of pissed-up British nationals floating into active shipping lanes on supermarket lilos, inflatable paddling pools, or—most disturbingly—a family-sized St. George’s flag turned into a makeshift raft from the middle aisle of Aldi.
The reason?
"Repeated abuse, threats, and misinformation from the same public we’re dragging out of the sea."
Or, to paraphrase their unofficial internal memo:
"If you’re drunk, abusive, racist, and floating past Dover with a Union Jack up your arse — good luck, pal."
⚓ We Save People — You Rage Tweet
The RNLI is one of the most attacked charities in the UK.
Let’s repeat that.
The Royal.
National.
Lifeboat.
Institution.
— made up mostly of volunteers —
is the most verbally abused charity in Britain
because it refuses to let humans drown.
Every year, these unpaid professionals risk their lives for yours.
Storms. Waves. Pitch-black nights. 3am callouts.
No sleep. No medals. No pay. No politics.
Just: someone is drowning — get in the fucking boat.
AND THEY DO!
They don’t check skin tone. They don’t check immigration status.
They check for a pulse.
And the British right-wing cannot bear it.
🇬🇧 FLOATING PATRIOTS AND SINKING BRAINS
2024 saw the RNLI launch its lifeboats 9,141 times — the fourth busiest year on record.
They helped 17,068 people in total.
And saved 437 lives that would likely have been lost without intervention.
Every single day, RNLI volunteers got out of bed, left their families, ran to boats, and risked their lives — sometimes to save a screaming flag-shagger who had earlier posted on Facebook that the RNLI should be defunded for being "woke".
That’s more than one life saved per day.
And of those rescues?
Refugees crossing the Channel accounted for just 114 launches and 1,371 people — less than 2% of total launches.
So, who makes up the remaining 98%?
You guessed it. British idiots, floating toward Belgium on inflatable tanks, crocodiles, Unicorns and in “Small boats”.
🚠 YOUR TAXES DON’T PAY THEM
Let’s crush another lie.
The RNLI is not government-funded.
It survives on donations.
Your 60p monthly direct debit and that faded sticker on your Nan’s car are what keep the boats running.
And yet, it’s the Reform UK crowd who scream loudest when the RNLI does its job — not because it’s wrong — but because it makes them confront their own ignorance of the law.
⚖️ A QUICK LESSON IN MARITIME LAW (FOR THE FLAGSHAGGER CROWD)
🚨 International Maritime Law requires any capable vessel — including RNLI — to assist those in distress at sea.
🚨 The law does not say "British first."
🚨 The law does not include a gammon clause.
🚨 The law does not allow the RNLI to check for blue passports before throwing the rope.
Put another way:
Firefighters don’t check if you’re “on benefits” before extinguishing your house.
Paramedics don’t ask if you voted Tory before defibrillating you.
Lifeboat crews don’t care who you are. They only care if you're breathing.
📣 A NEW POLICY FOR A NEW AGE?
The leaked RNLI internal memo reportedly includes proposed protocols such as:
A five-rescue limit for repeat offenders with inflatable military vehicles
A surcharge for those shouting “WOKE” mid-rescue
Optional tagging of known offenders with shark chum
Discretionary abandonment of anyone spotted waving a bacon sandwich in protest
🏖️ RNLI RESCUE CHECKLIST FOR BRITS ABROAD:
Before we rescue you, please answer the following:
Are you currently shouting “send them back” while drifting toward Calais?
Have you confused an inflatable corgi for a seaworthy vessel?
Are you wearing Union Jack pants and holding a copy of the Daily Mail?
Have you tweeted anti-RNLI propaganda in the last 30 days?
Are you yelling “I pay your wages” at a volunteer?
If “yes” to any of the above, congratulations:
You’re not a patriot.
You’re a floating liability.
🧊 BRITISH DECENCY IS A BOAT. YOU AREN’T ON IT.
The RNLI doesn’t do it for glory. They don’t do it for medals, biscuits, or t-shirts.
They do it because it’s the right thing to do.
And the people they save?
Half the time, they’re not grateful. They’re angry they weren’t allowed to drown someone else instead.
If this country respected its heroes half as much as it respected its flags,
every RNLI crew would be knighted by now.
But they aren’t.
Because in modern Britain, you get more support starting a hate group than you do saving lives.
⚓ FINAL WORD
They never ask who you are. They just come.
They never ask who you voted for. They just come.
They never ask if you “deserve” saving. They just come.That’s what actual moral backbone looks like.
That’s what being British used to mean.And if you don’t get that?
You’re not a patriot.You’re just a wet flag waiting to sink.
End of Satirical Dispatch
P.S.
Stay frosty people. 😉
Support the real heroes here — RNLI Donations
Support this chaos here — Ko-fi
& while this article is Satire,the hate, for certain charities in the UK, sadly, isn’t…
Spot the trend in that list?
It isn’t hard is it…